a few simple rules...

I think Russell Smith has been too busy with his various other projects to be out and about this spring advocating the better rules of fashion. Whether it is his Globe column, his CBC radio show, or hiding from the jihad the little sister has launched against him on her blog, something has been keeping him quiet on the topic of clothing.

Whatever the reason, I have decided that he hasn't been out and about, and I offer the following guidelines for the fashionably challenged I have seen or discussed in the last few days.

First, it was scorching hot in Edmonton this weekend, where I was for the Police concert (more on this later). I understand it was the first nice weekend in spring and people would want to enjoy it. But guys, if you're skin is pasty white and you're boney, keep a shirt on. I'm willing to accept shorts, but your white pasty ribs in my face, NO.

I'm sure some of you pasty white boney people are saying "oi - how am I supposed to get dark if I can't reveal my pasty white skin". TAN IN YOUR BACKYARDS! Once you have some meat and colour on your body, come on out. Until then - keep it under wraps.

Next, for the girls - it's a night out, you want to have a good time, show off some assets. Hoochie it up a little, I understand. However, those tarty clothes don't fit anymore, put them away. Don't pry yourself into those old jeans, with boobs, butts and rolls falling out all over. Really, keep it away. Pick up some new clothes, you'll look even sexier.

At spin class the other day, the subject of bike shorts came up. Do you wear anything under your bike shorts. The answer from the instructor was if the short's padded, nothing goes under. My advice if you're not crazy about bike shorts, the double short is a solution, bike shorts, with an outer short attached.

Finally at lunch today, office attire came up. Tank tops, cut-offs and flip flops are not appropriate for the workplace, particularly if you work in a jail. First, practical reasons, if I'm working in a jail, I want to be able to run, which is not going to happen in flip flops. As the little sister sarcstically said, "Why not? I like to walk around with a t-shirt that says slut across my breasts when I go to the jail". People, remember where you are.

I know I seem very uptight and strict about these things (possibly prudish?) but really if we all follow these rules, the world could be a better place.